Okay confession time.
I have barely started writing my dcbb, I’m currently going to do three weeks of 30 hours at work and I haven’t started writing properly yet, and I have work, and writing and writing, and have a mentioned I need to write?
I don’t have anyone to ball my ideas with since I need a discussion to really pin down what I want. I just want someone to say, “yeah, that’s okay, it’s sounds good” when I get an idea because this is my first time writing with a deadline and I just could really use some kind of support right now.
And then I have no fucking free time on my fucking free time at home because I CAN’T DO MY SHIT WHILE PEOPLE ARE HOME BECAUSE THEN THEY EXPECT ME TO DO THINGS AND IT WAS THE SOLE REASON WHY I MADE COOKIES TODAY BECAUSE I GOT ROPED INTO IT. I DIDN’T WANT TO MAKE COOKIES.
I WANTED TO DO MY SHIT.
I CAN NEVER FUCKING DO MY OWN THING FOR THE ONE FUCKING DAY I’M FREE THIS WEEK EXCEPT SUNDAY.
I JUST WANT TO SOB AND CRY BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK TO DO IF I HAVE EMOTIONS IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE, I WANT TO SAY “NO SORRY, I HAVE WRITING TO DO,” AND THEN ACTUALLY WRITE, BUT I CAN’T BECAUSE CHORES ALWAYS COMES FIRST AND THEY ARE ALWAYS TIME CONSUMING AND I CAN NEVER GET MY FLOW BACK AFTER CHORES.
I HATE IT HERE
I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL THEY ALL GO AWAY NEXT WEEK SO I CAN FUCKING BE BY MYSELF FOR ONCE AND NOT HAVE TO DO CHORES EVERY FUCKING DAY.
I wanted to watch Contact today.
I was going to
but cookies and cake making
and then dinner making
and then kitchen cleaning
and then emptying and filling the dishwasher
and then I was to put off to actually sit down and write
and now it’s almost 22.00 and I need to go to be early and this is horrible
I hate this so much
and people still say I’m incompetent.
I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF
I KNOW HOW TO COOK, CLEAN, WASH, TIDY AND HOOVER.
I just revert back to being a teenager when I’m home.
Because that behaviour was okay, so my mind keeps pulling me back there.
I’m so exhausted, my back hurts and I feel like crying, but I can’t because whenever I have an emotional response which isn’t happy, content or any other positive reaction I “whine”.
And it’s just
It’s just like being with my ex.
I can’t do anything without having it backfire at me, and I feel stressed and unbalanced and fucking scared and I can’t do this.
I want my own place because I can’t stand living like this. I can’t fucking breathe.
- skinnybaras said:i’m here if you need someone to vent to <33
- sourwolfwrangler said:*hugs* got Aim? I often torture my Sam with terrible AU ideas cause I’m evil.
- georg-prime replied:
- quidfacerem replied:
- machidielontheway said:I don’t have advice to offer, but if you ever need a sounding board I’ll be there, and *hugs* if wanted. I hear your pain and hope everything will be better soon for you :|
- blueberrytoast posted this