I joined GISHWHES on September 14th after reading endless of posts from various Tumblr’s, Misha Collins Twitter and Miss Jean-Louis Alexanders Twitter. I sat down, got on that web page and watched a video which had me thoroughly convinced, for a few minutes, that Misha Collins was a global mind reader and somehow picked up my worst nightmare, garbled voices joining together into a chaos of hushed whisperings and disjointed sentences sounding from speakers which crack a little if you turn up the volume to high. At first I was stunned. I was quite frankly terrified because this visual representation of my darkest fear, of receiving a voice message exactly like that (though this was a video), was like fate. I doesn’t matter if these nightmares I used to have was over ten years ago. I still had them. And to date I have never heard anything, any kind of audio clip at all, which could mimic what I heard in my dreams. Just thinking about it now as I write is making me extremely uncomfortable. My point is, every time I had one of these dreams, I always woke with a sense of urgency. I wanted to run, to hide but I knew if, if, I ever heard that noise, I’d have to do something about it. And I did, by joining.

Well, what about it, you may think, and I’m a bit embarrassed of how I’m reacting now, so long after I heard the video first. So I’ll tell you about my perception of Misha Collins and how his existence turned out to be a boot in the back for me.

Misha Collins is an Actor, a baker, a candlestick maker according to his Twitter profile and I first saw him in the Show Supernatural as the angel Castiel, after I succumbed to the pokes and prods which is the internet and I got a hold of all the six seasons which had been aired. This was in July 2011, so not so long ago presently. I watched that show from the pilot to the impossible cliffhanger of season 6 in little under two weeks and I can quite frankly say, I’ve never felt so attached to any fictional characters since I was eleven, read Harry Potter on a continuous loop and waited patiently for my Hogwarts letter to arrive so I could join in on the fun.

Dean Winchester made me reflect on how I always wanted to be the good child and a good sibling to my brothers and sisters, of being a support to my Mom when my older siblings messed up by staying out of trouble.

Sam Winchester made me think of how I deserve to have my own life, to make my way as I go and take my chances when I get them, and fuck all, If I want to study Medicine I’m going to fucking study Medicine.

Castiel hit a bit too close to home than what I expected. Like him I had a goal from the beginning. A vague goal, but one nonetheless. I met someone I fell in love with (I’m not saying Castiel fell in love with Dean here, but finding a new friend is a bit like that too isn’t it?) and he proposed a change in my future. A change so incredible I never thought I would ever see even so much as an outline to that future. I could embark on my dream and do what I wanted, all I needed to do was to trust him and that’s what I did. I left my home, my country, and my family and friends to go with this guy I had known for barely six months to start doing things for me, because I wanted to.

It’s about here all the resemblance stops and my own personal hell began. It turned out my boyfriend wasn’t someone you could fling your life at and expect him to hold on and cradle it with love, and oh, the mush. He had problems. Serious problems which I had to deal with. Over two years I became more like a mother and a caretaker for him than a girlfriend. I was hurt, I was depressed and shouldering too much for me to handle. I cried when I was finally left alone. I couldn’t sleep in the same bed as him. I pushed on long after midnight, staying up all night just so I could be alone and hear my own thoughts for a change. I was angry. Mostly at myself, but I was horribly angry. And about a month ago I had enough of him yelling at me for messing up. After constantly being emotionally and verbally harassed I finally snapped. I called my Dad and got the fuck out of there. 

As my life was crumbling down around me I escaped through the internet. I don’t comfort eat, I don’t comfort exercise nor am I comfort creative, I put my complete focus on something far away to deal with that which is too close. And what’s further away than the internet? So close yet so distant. Around the time I had finished my all nighters of Supernatural I started to check out the actors of my favourite characters, and I got to say, I’m amazed. Not only do they willingly interact with their fan base through conventions but they are all incredible people. But the one I ultimately got stuck on was Misha Collins. At first he was just a big goof ball when I went through the various convention videos on YouTube, though when I found out about the Random Acts and saw his more serious side through interviews and his Eternal Troll side through Twitter and the “what Is Tumblr?” thing which makes me excited and horrified at the same time, excited because if he knows about all the MC/SPN/GISHWHES wank he’s not really condemning it, and horrified because, oh god it’s like when parents accidentally walk in on you reading/watching porn or worse if you’re masturbating (this never happened to me thank GOD). I’ve concluded that Misha Collins is everything I want to be and I am terribly envious of his life and his choices.

He married his High school sweetheart and an Incredible woman on her own after 10 years of relationship and has now the most adorable little boy (which already has a fan base) -My first relationship was nothing more than utter crap, as I mentioned above, I’m 21 and already starting to give up on a happy family ending for me.

He’s intelligent in such a way that you notice it and you acknowledge it but you don’t feel dumber for it, he has tact, knows his way with words and is entirely too charismatic for his own good.

He’s generous and kind without it being over bearing or sleazy, it’s just so genuine and infectious and I’ve decided, because of his qualities, that when I have a steady income, I will donate to the less fortunate, and do voluntary work as much as I can. (and If/When I become a doctor I will put my knowledge to good use where it’s needed) Because he sets such a good example, all I think of is how I haven’t helped out sooner.

And now, GISHWHES. Somehow I trusted this man when I joined that. There I was listening to something I’d only associate with terror and a mind-numbing fear and I joined it because I was convinced that whatever it was, it wouldn’t be my greatest fear coming to life, it would only be another urge to act when all senses told me to stay put.

I had a similar feeling to when I joined the scavenger hunt yesterday. That man made me spend 50$ on a Holiday card. That is more than 300 Sek, that’s 1/3 of a bus card I need. Because I’m realistic and pessimistic when it comes to my own fortune or luck I’m convinced I won’t win even if I do my best. And in all honesty I’m fantasizing about crashing the celebratory dinner in Rome anyway just so I can shake that mans hand and tell him he’s an evil genius.

I hope the card say “I joined GISHWHES and all I got was this lousy card”.

Because that would be ironic and true, and all the fans would groan in exasperation.